Anyhow, the commandments are mentioned again after the birth of Jesus in the book of Matthew. I was reading Matthew 5:27-28 and it says,

You have heard the it was said, “Do not commit adultery.” But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I wish more people realized the act of cheating is more than a physical act. So many of my exes honestly believe that unless their penis enters some sort of orifice in another female’s body, it’s not cheating. The intent to lust after another woman or even emotionally lust after another woman is cheating… For example, Andwele (the d-bag) on a very regular basis would message and call his ex girlfriend to tell her how much he loved her. Through explicit messages about how he doesn’t want other men fucking her… the list goes on. Although she was miles and miles away, she enabled his behavior, just like everyone else in his life, and I’m sure apart of her really wants to reconcile with him…

Honestly, it was a lot more painful to be in a relationship with a person who could not commit to me emotionally. I could look past physical cheating… but to give your heart and soul to another person far worse than any act of fucking. Physical attraction comes and goes, it can be worked on, etc… but once you give your love to someone and they damage your heart… how can you possibly look back?

Reading those lines really made wonder, how often we all committed adultery to a loved one? How often do we lust after people we aren’t supposed to? How often do we hold little disregard for respect for the people who care for us?

I always try to date men that were different than my exes. In that respect, I have. They all differ in ethnicities & socio-economic backgrounds… education levels and career aspirations widely range from retail to the very top of the corporate ladder. The one and only thing I can find in common with these men are the fact they are completely selfish… and instead of me being their companion, I’m just along for the ride until my usefulness expires. The most logical thing is just walk away and not get hurt, but by the time the masks finally come off, and their true colors show… I’ve already invested a lot of time, money, energy and emotion into the relationship, and I’m always heartbroken in the end.

The second I express any discontent or stand up for myself because I know I deserve some respect, I’m the bitch… I’m the one that is delusional… or I’m just completely ignored. There is never a resolution, and I end up holding a lot of anger and resentment.

It would just be nice to be with someone who had the same respect and regard for me as I did for them… but I highly doubt that will ever happen. Even my own family abuses the fact that I would do anything for them…

I check my text messages and I have this:

James: call me a retail junkie. i earn my keep bitch. go sleep with some more taken men.
Sent: 03:54 AM

God.. I wrote that entry about us breaking up about a month ago. After that, I moved on with my life. I dunno, considering he broke up with me, I think it’s kinda funny that he still takes the time to see what I’m upto because lord knows I don’t keep up with him! I’m not complaining though, every click gets me closer to getting another check from Google. YAY!

1) Everytime James gets shit faced drunk, it only takes him one second to go from nice to insane. For example, on New Year’s, I didn’t want to hook up with him, and he tried strangling me IN FRONT of his sister, her bf and his friend. Then last month, I told him his dog was lame, and he grabbed my arm, shoved me out the door of his house, and as I get into MY CAR he slams the car door on my leg.

So this bullshit that he would never hit a girl is completely FALSE!

2) Last month, I called everyone in my phonebook, including this girl Becky which is James’ bar buddy friend while James was being a psychoic drunk. She tells me her version of Lavonne Costco party story, which was, James invited Lavonne bc he had a crush on her blah blah blah. And the version I heard was that her and Justin just broke up and James made her out to sound like a loser… getting super drunk and embarassing her at the party. Now everyone’s version is getting skewed, and I’m the one causing drama. LAME

He breaks up with me that night then manages to forget everything he’s ever done. FUCKING STUPID

3) He was always an asshole to me, and I was stupid to put up with it as long as I did. Honestly, he was the WORST boyfriend ever, and I was really really really really lame to put up with him. He had no problem telling me that I wasn’t attractive or fat. He would always tell me, “I feel SORRY for you that you support your mother.” He had an unrefined pallet for good food… and he would always say, “I know I’m an asshole to you.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that all of James and his lame friends and his lame family are losers that just sit around talking crap about people, victimizing themselves in their lame stories, and the highest aspirations they could possibly fathom would be winning some sort of beer pong competition. Seriously, yes we broke up, but you are an absolute loser to be so childish to email and call every person in the world that you know to victimize yourself.

So lesson learned, I’m never dating a retail junkie/ignorant/self-victimizing/unambitious loser ever again.

He picks a fight with me, and started saying mean things just so I can argue with him some more like, “Just go, I can call someone else over to fuck me,” and “I don’t need you, I just need my dog.” Upset (and I totally don’t bother to think about what I’m saying when I’m upset) said, “Your dog isn’t even trained!”

This set him off. He grabs my arm and shoves me out the front door. And on the top of his lungs, screams, “We are through, get off my fucking property you bitch.” I was confused, tried to apologize and tried to talk to him, and he threatened to call the police.

I sat in my car, trying to compose myself before I could start driving. And james came out like every 2 seconds to pound on my window to tell me to leave, not really helping my stress level at all. I call literally everyone in my phone book, and Becky answered. Thank God! She picked me up and left that hell hole.

As we drive back to her house, I get a text from james saying keep away and he’s reporting me to the lp officer at costco and how he will call the police if I’m ever over in his neighborhood.

All I can say is, what a fucking drunken idiot to break up with someone over a dog. I can do better, and I will do better.

Eff boys. <3 lea

Why is this important to me? I hate to say it, but I am a stalker magnet. Those who know me extremely well know of this fact, and every occurence is serious and always has some sort of negative impact in my life. I also want to state that there is not “typical” stalker. Usually you can’t tell if someone is capable of stalking until it happens.

The scary thing now is that anyone can stalk you. People you may never have met in person or ever spoken to can find you with the internet… and my friends who read this, you know who I’m referencing. Even if you don’t know these people personally, if they can stalk you, they can very well hurt you too… whether it is physical or emotional. For more information about stalking and what actions you can do about it, please check out the Stalking Resource Center for more information regarding stalking.

The story below is something that I haven’t really told too many people. It’s taken me many years of counseling to really be able to talk about it the way I can now.. but I honestly urge anyone who is going through or who has gone through what I have to seek help. You’re not alone, and you should never have to be afraid to live your life. I wished I was stronger then to make that right decision.. and I can only hope this will inspire others.

The first occurrence started when I was 13. I was in junior high, and I had the biggest crush on my neighbor, Bobby J. He was this really tall for his age. He was about 5’9″.. but then again his father was 6’4″ and his brother was 6’6″. As with schoolyard love, it was all very innocent. He went to a different junior high, but we would walk to school together every morning, and the second we hit the main road, I went right, he would go left, and after school, we met at the same corner only to walk home together.

Everything was fine until the summer, and we were both getting ready for the next chapter in our life, high school. We both were invited to a pool party, and that was the very first time he, and most of my friends, ever saw me outside of a baggy t-shirt and jeans. I was 4’8, 95 pounds and a C cup chest (something I was extremely uncomfortable about). At this party, all my guy friends started to treat me different, and the male acquaintances I made paid a lot of attention to me. Bobby took notice of all this attention, and it was the beginning of a really scary chapter in my life.

The school boundaries were really weird in our neighborhood. Although I lived 3 streets down from him, we couldn’t attend the same high school either. Bobby was not happy about that at all. He was so worried that I would start talking to other boys. Whenever we would go to the movies or go to the park, if I even glanced in passing at another boy, it would create an argument. We would fight about this so much, that I went home everyday crying.

By the time mid-August rolled around, I had enough and wanted to get out. I walked to his house to break up with him and when I broke the news to him he threw a mug at my head. I ran home and got my father involved. Dad told his family that he was to stay away from me… and it only got worse from there.

He would write me letters everyday and drop them into my mailbox. He would walk up to the side of the houes and peer through my window and tap it to get my attention. I told myself, if I ignore him, he will go away. He didn’t. The more I ignored him the more gutsy he became. One weekend, I was out with my friends, and my father walked into my bedroom to get my laundry, and he found Bobby sitting in my closet. Bobby took the screen off my window and climbed into my room. After that day, my dad had bars on my window. Then there was peace!

I thought it was over. He didn’t bother me for a few more weeks. Then, right before Thanksgiving, I was walking home from school, and all of the sudden I felt a massive blow to my back. Bobby followed me home and when he got close enough, he used his backpack filled with books and swung it at me. I was afraid for my life, left all of my things on the ground, and ran. He caught up to me and grabbed my wrists and started shaking me, and yelling, “Why I am not good enough for you!? Why won’t you be my girlfriend!?” He was grabbing me so hard I had bruises on both of my wrists. I was so afraid, I pleaded for him to let me go, and he didn’t. I told him I would do anything for him if he would just let me go… and this would be the most retarded decision I would have ever made.. his request was that I be his girlfriend.

I never told my dad what happened, and everyone was very disappointed in me for dating him again. For the next year, Bobby followed me everywhere. Called me everyday… he even saved up money and bought me a pager. He would page me, 0277 1773 17044 (pager-speak ‘call me now’).. and if I didn’t call within the hour, I could expect him sitting on my porch looking for me. Because of the way I already dressed, baggy big clothing, Bobby took advantage of this and knew if he was going to hit me, it would have to be on my chest, back or shoulders.

I endured all of this because I was afraid of him. It wasn’t until my gym teacher saw the bruises on my body when I was changing that my dad found out and pressed charges on Bobby. We put a restraining order on him, and we moved to a different city.

Everything was fine for the next couple of months, but he managed to find my new address, my new phone number, my new friends… and it was just this on going nightmare of him threatening me.. and we would move again, change all of our numbers.. and he was always there. He would get locked up, his parents would post bail, and it would start all over. This went on until I was 18!

The last time I ever saw Bobby was when I was working at Wells Fargo, and I was waiting for my ride to pick me up. This Wells Fargo was very close to my old neighborhood, and I was sitting on the grassy area infront of the branch… and I see this really tall guy walking towards me in the distance. I hadn’t had any issues with Bobby in over 6 months, and I thought I was just being paranoid. But the closer he got, the more afraid I became, and I ran into the Blockbuster next door, and called the police. This was the first time he stalked me since we both turned 18 – and this time when he was arrested, he stayed locked up. I got the same judge from 2 of my other hearings from when I was younger, and he put him away for a very long time. Bobby is still currently serving time in jail for felony stalking and attempted assault.