So, in church we covered Exodus 13-20… where Moses receives the 10 commandments… It’s kind of nice to take in the bible for what it has to offer away from what the media portrays and really learn something from it.

Anyhow, the commandments are mentioned again after the birth of Jesus in the book of Matthew. I was reading Matthew 5:27-28 and it says,

You have heard the it was said, “Do not commit adultery.” But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I wish more people realized the act of cheating is more than a physical act. So many of my exes honestly believe that unless their penis enters some sort of orifice in another female’s body, it’s not cheating. The intent to lust after another woman or even emotionally lust after another woman is cheating… For example, Andwele (the d-bag) on a very regular basis would message and call his ex girlfriend to tell her how much he loved her. Through explicit messages about how he doesn’t want other men fucking her… the list goes on. Although she was miles and miles away, she enabled his behavior, just like everyone else in his life, and I’m sure apart of her really wants to reconcile with him…

Honestly, it was a lot more painful to be in a relationship with a person who could not commit to me emotionally. I could look past physical cheating… but to give your heart and soul to another person far worse than any act of fucking. Physical attraction comes and goes, it can be worked on, etc… but once you give your love to someone and they damage your heart… how can you possibly look back?

Reading those lines really made wonder, how often we all committed adultery to a loved one? How often do we lust after people we aren’t supposed to? How often do we hold little disregard for respect for the people who care for us?

You know how most people tend to date the same type of person each go-around? Like, some women only date nerds or bad boys… or they all have very similar appearances or personality traits… I have finally come to the conclusion on my “type” and I think it’s about time I try even harder to change it.

I always try to date men that were different than my exes. In that respect, I have. They all differ in ethnicities & socio-economic backgrounds… education levels and career aspirations widely range from retail to the very top of the corporate ladder. The one and only thing I can find in common with these men are the fact they are completely selfish… and instead of me being their companion, I’m just along for the ride until my usefulness expires. The most logical thing is just walk away and not get hurt, but by the time the masks finally come off, and their true colors show… I’ve already invested a lot of time, money, energy and emotion into the relationship, and I’m always heartbroken in the end.

The second I express any discontent or stand up for myself because I know I deserve some respect, I’m the bitch… I’m the one that is delusional… or I’m just completely ignored. There is never a resolution, and I end up holding a lot of anger and resentment.

It would just be nice to be with someone who had the same respect and regard for me as I did for them… but I highly doubt that will ever happen. Even my own family abuses the fact that I would do anything for them…

♥♥♥♥♥♥

So I’m getting ready for work this morning, and LED on my phone is flashing…

I check my text messages and I have this:

James: call me a retail junkie. i earn my keep bitch. go sleep with some more taken men.
Sent: 03:54 AM

God.. I wrote that entry about us breaking up about a month ago. After that, I moved on with my life. I dunno, considering he broke up with me, I think it’s kinda funny that he still takes the time to see what I’m upto because lord knows I don’t keep up with him! I’m not complaining though, every click gets me closer to getting another check from Google. YAY!

First off, I’m sick and tired of James and his lame friends making up all these absurd stories about me!

1) Everytime James gets shit faced drunk, it only takes him one second to go from nice to insane. For example, on New Year’s, I didn’t want to hook up with him, and he tried strangling me IN FRONT of his sister, her bf and his friend. Then last month, I told him his dog was lame, and he grabbed my arm, shoved me out the door of his house, and as I get into MY CAR he slams the car door on my leg.

So this bullshit that he would never hit a girl is completely FALSE!

2) Last month, I called everyone in my phonebook, including this girl Becky which is James’ bar buddy friend while James was being a psychoic drunk. She tells me her version of Lavonne Costco party story, which was, James invited Lavonne bc he had a crush on her blah blah blah. And the version I heard was that her and Justin just broke up and James made her out to sound like a loser… getting super drunk and embarassing her at the party. Now everyone’s version is getting skewed, and I’m the one causing drama. LAME

He breaks up with me that night then manages to forget everything he’s ever done. FUCKING STUPID

3) He was always an asshole to me, and I was stupid to put up with it as long as I did. Honestly, he was the WORST boyfriend ever, and I was really really really really lame to put up with him. He had no problem telling me that I wasn’t attractive or fat. He would always tell me, “I feel SORRY for you that you support your mother.” He had an unrefined pallet for good food… and he would always say, “I know I’m an asshole to you.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that all of James and his lame friends and his lame family are losers that just sit around talking crap about people, victimizing themselves in their lame stories, and the highest aspirations they could possibly fathom would be winning some sort of beer pong competition. Seriously, yes we broke up, but you are an absolute loser to be so childish to email and call every person in the world that you know to victimize yourself.

So lesson learned, I’m never dating a retail junkie/ignorant/self-victimizing/unambitious loser ever again.

James broke up with me in the wee hours of the morning today. He calls me telling me to come by because he’s distraught over his grandmother’s heart attack. I drive over there, and he wants to hook up. I wasn’t in the mood, I was tired and I just wanted to sleep.

He picks a fight with me, and started saying mean things just so I can argue with him some more like, “Just go, I can call someone else over to fuck me,” and “I don’t need you, I just need my dog.” Upset (and I totally don’t bother to think about what I’m saying when I’m upset) said, “Your dog isn’t even trained!”

This set him off. He grabs my arm and shoves me out the front door. And on the top of his lungs, screams, “We are through, get off my fucking property you bitch.” I was confused, tried to apologize and tried to talk to him, and he threatened to call the police.

I sat in my car, trying to compose myself before I could start driving. And james came out like every 2 seconds to pound on my window to tell me to leave, not really helping my stress level at all. I call literally everyone in my phone book, and Becky answered. Thank God! She picked me up and left that hell hole.

As we drive back to her house, I get a text from james saying keep away and he’s reporting me to the lp officer at costco and how he will call the police if I’m ever over in his neighborhood.

All I can say is, what a fucking drunken idiot to break up with someone over a dog. I can do better, and I will do better.

Eff boys. <3 lea

This month is National Stalking Awareness Month. This is an extremely important subject, and I really hope all of you who read this take it seriously tell others about how they can protect themselves.

Why is this important to me? I hate to say it, but I am a stalker magnet. Those who know me extremely well know of this fact, and every occurence is serious and always has some sort of negative impact in my life. I also want to state that there is not “typical” stalker. Usually you can’t tell if someone is capable of stalking until it happens.

The scary thing now is that anyone can stalk you. People you may never have met in person or ever spoken to can find you with the internet… and my friends who read this, you know who I’m referencing. Even if you don’t know these people personally, if they can stalk you, they can very well hurt you too… whether it is physical or emotional. For more information about stalking and what actions you can do about it, please check out the Stalking Resource Center for more information regarding stalking.

The story below is something that I haven’t really told too many people. It’s taken me many years of counseling to really be able to talk about it the way I can now.. but I honestly urge anyone who is going through or who has gone through what I have to seek help. You’re not alone, and you should never have to be afraid to live your life. I wished I was stronger then to make that right decision.. and I can only hope this will inspire others.

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