It was a bust again. No present, no I love you, just a mean jackass.

Eff Dwele.

Loser in weight loss!
Weighed myself today, 148.8 lbs. It’s insane to think about 2 years ago, I was 170ish. I’m inbetween dress sizes right now (too big for a 10, too small for a 12) but I’m really happy with my progress. It’s even crazier to think, when I first met Sean (the ex)… I was 125 pounds. All that eating we did totally took a number on the both of us! Haha, I don’t regret it at all. I can’t even tell you all the ridiculous, food related stories we have. I guess we were really hedonists. Hahahaha.

My weight loss has steadied and for the first time ever, I actually know why!

a) I haven’t been exercising
b) I haven’t been calorie counting (still making healthy choices though)

I’m eating all the food I love, so I really can’t complain. I will lose more weight, but right now I’m okay with what I’m doing.

I just needed a break from planning my meals. I figure, this would be create a good shock to my body and I won’t plateau.

Most people I know stick to their diets until they reach their goal, and the second they start eating “normally” it all goes to hell. That WILL NOT happen to me. I won’t let it.

I wish there was another term for losing weight besides dieting. Diet is a 4 letter word. No one should ever have it in their vocabulary!

I keep coming across all this “buzz” about the MTV hit, Jersey Shore. It’s all over the mags, entertainment blogs… all my coworkers are talking about it. So recently, I’ve forced myself to finally catch a glimpse of this show. My first reaction, “This show is absolute trash!”

I don’t have any patience with people acting stupid. The entire cast is in my age group, yet their vocabulary and mental intellect barely surpasses that of a 12 year-old. The drama and the things they deem important, all so superficial and they all lack substance. There is nothing “real” or natural about any of them. I probably watched 10 minutes of the show… and if I could demand for those 10 minutes, I would.

I am thankful that this show is a great reminder of why I don’t really watch TV anymore. I’d rather be a nerd and stick to reading.

I just think is darling and functional!

It’s $75 + shipping – It’s on my list of things I’d like to buy. I will budget this in coming these following months. I love functional things! I’m going to get it in Crimson Red. How sexy!

Special Features:

• Tons of storage pockets and compartments
• Lower main compartment for cosmetic storage
• Detachable mirror
• Plastic coated bottom with metal feet
• Ventilated zip pocket compartment in back
• Perfect for shoes or soiled clothing
• ID card for identification
• Interior bottle holder and cargo pocket
• D-ring for your keys, pen holders & zip pocket
• Material specially treated with water-repellent finish

Puddle Jumper by Lug

On New Year’s I made the decision to start up on Paxil again. It’s been two weeks, and I noticed a considerable difference on how I react to things and how I feel. I’m happier, more optimistic and I am capable to thinking clearly.

It was silly of me to go off of it when I did. I admit, I was afraid that this little white, oblong pill would control my life. But now that I can handle my issues non-emotionally, I can take control of my life then get off it once everything gets sorted out.

It’s been a great relief.

So, yesterday wasn’t so great for me. Although I bought lunch, out of boredom, I bought bacon cheese fries. Was I hungry? No… Did I enjoy them? Yes… Did I feel terribly guilty and sluggish afterwards? Yes!! Because of this, I decided to force myself to log my food into Fat Secret before I make the decision to eat it. It’s the only way I can keep track of calories and make decisions about the food I’m about to eat.

I checked out a book at the library called The Complete Beck Diet after reading a review from Jen of priorfatgirl.com. It’s not actually a diet book (provides some recipes) but a cognitive therapy approach to weight loss. Basically, choose the nutritional diet of your choice, eat things you like in moderation, and be conscious of your eating habits. The book goes into accountability and planning. I think if I follow this “diet” I will be able to maintain some weight loss. I’m quite excited.

I didn’t go to the gym yesterday as I had hoped. I fell asleep first thing when I got home. Today, I was about to go to the gym, and realized my headphones were at the office [[RAWWRRRR]]. The 2009 me would have thought, “It happened for a reason. Tomorrow is another day.” But, taking in what I’ve learned from the Beck Diet, everyone makes mistakes. Instead of delaying a mistake, be proactive and keep going if you mess up. So, I went onto Time Warner’s On Demand Exercise TV station, and chose 2 pilates work outs (total 30 mins) and 1 yoga work out (10 mins). Granted, the calorie burn isn’t as much as me hitting the weights and the elliptical, but at least I got the  ball rolling. I’m really proud of myself.

Hopefully, sometime this week, I’ll post a before picture with some measurements.

Anyhow online world, have a wonderful night!

Happy 2010!!

Things I want to work on this year:

1. Actively budget my $
2. Finally start my E-Fund by depositing at least $105 each paycheck.
3. Find other modes of income – preferably passive income
4. Go to the gym at least 5 times a week
5. Drink 8 glasses of water a day
6. Blog more
7. Bring my lunch to work at least 3 times a week
8. Finish reading at least one book
9. Go to church on Sundays
10. Find a new hobbie

I think these goals will be easy to obtain… let’s all pray it works out! I’ll have a progress check in 3 months!

2000 – 15 – The moment I realized I could hustle men pnline because I was cute, Asian, thin and busty… lots of trouble and blackmail to ensue. The start of really bad karma… Moved in with Mom and sis as pop’s health was deteriorating… Rang in the NYEs at Together As One – still raving sober.

2001 – 16 – Nothing sweet about being 16. Became obsessed with things to preoccupy my thoughts so I wouldn’t have to deal with anxiety of dad being ill… the obsession? Food and exercise. 800 calories a day max, ran 4 miles a day, swam 250 yards + 100s of sit ups, crunches and weights – hit rock bottom & landed myself in the emergency room. Rang in the NYEs at Together As One – still raving sober.

2002 – 17 – Had an official boyfriend that I literally only saw 4 times out of the 4 months we dated. Hustled more money, and became the “it” forum gf. Couldn’t find a gamer or raver forum without my pictured plastered everywhere. Annual salary of being someone’s online GF? 15K for chatting, and never once ever speaking on the phone or meeting these men. Oh the times before Facebook and Myspace! This year, rang in the New Year at Disneyland… it was a good at idea before we went… terrible after we went. Too many people and crying kids!

2003 – 18 – Got tired of my life and checked out to Maui. Then, I ran out of money, sucked up my pride, and called my mom to ask her to take me home. Barely made it through school, most of my friends bailed out on me when I needed them the most, and dad passes on Graduation. Officially depressed, hello drugs and many other health problems!

2003-2004 - 19 – Sean P Jacobs. The beginning of a very long relationship with someone who would become by best friend and confidant – the nerdy power couple chapter of my life begins. I sobered up & things were looking up.

2005 – 19 – still with Sean. The weight gain begins (ugh) – still sober – No more hustling $$ – Survived a car accident to end all car accidents… the huge ball of debt begins. 

2006 – 21 Nothing new. Still with Sean, but the realization that we were just friends instead of bf/gf becomes very, very apparent.

2007 – 22 Finally get an answer regarding my car accident… I get no money although I was fully covered and the accident was not my fault… total medical costs $30K!! Maxed out every credit card I owned to pay for the Dr. EFF! This year, the geeky adventure with Sean ends as bf/gf. Very cordial break up, and we still remain friends.

2008 – 23 – The James chapter begins. It was fun at first, but it became stagnant, boring and stressful. We were good friends, but a terrible couple. Sean’s new love obsessively stalks me in every internet avenue available, and did not seem to understand the just friends concept… or that my personal belief of when it’s over, it’s really over, and I will never want to relive that chapter of my life.

2009 – 24 – The James chapter ends and the interesting chapter of Dwele starts. Lots of car trouble, lots of money trouble… but I’ve managed to get this far and I haven’t fallen apart yet.

2010??